Suppose you are heading to an important business conference wearing a jacket with a big piece of stain on it. Do you wish someone would be kind enough to inform you? If you have a repeated pattern of self-sabotaging and it affects your relationships with others, do you wish someone would be kind enough to point it out for you? I know that I would. That self-awareness could save me from further embarrassment or potentially save me years or even decades of struggle coping with my own behavioral struggles.
Receiving pertinent feedback about our behaviors and blind spots can be one of the most effect ways for self-development. It is a priceless gift. Then why so many people are reluctant to give it even through it costs nothing? Many managers dread it even through it is part of their job responsibilities. The reason is that there is tremendous psychological cost for both the feedback giver and the receiver, especially when giving and receiving is between the wrong people, at the wrong time and the wrong place. Below are a few suggestions that can hopefully shed some light on this topic.
Clarify the Giver’s Intention
Usually, there are two reasons we give feedback. The first reason is when the person’s behavior is bothering us. We want to stop it from becoming a repetitive pattern. The intention is to set boundary and teach the other person how to treat us. The book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg has articulated the how very well: 1. State the action that bothers us. 2. State the emotion this action triggers in us. 3. State our needs. 4. State our request for desired action.
The second reason is when we give feedback as a friend or a mentor with the intention to help someone become a better person. This is when it gets tricky. Sometimes, the feedback giver lacks self-awareness, confusing helping others with projecting ourselves. For example, we tell someone that he is being arrogant, when in fact we are projecting our own feeling of inferiority in his presence; we complain a product someone sells is too expensive, when in fact we have no understanding nor appreciation about it value as well as the creative effort, energy and resources required to produce it.
Feedback aimed to support a person’s growth is feedback with “me” out of the picture. There is no vested self-interest, no frustration to release and no attachment to a specific outcome. The intention is purely altruistic. When such intention is in place, there are a few aspects to consider.
- Feedback is not only about negative behaviors. It can be given to enforce positive behaviors, boost the receiver’s self-confidence and show gratitude for his positive impact.
- When giving feedback on what can be improved on, it is important that we take time and effort to understand the person and his situation first. Behaviors happen in context. There might be many factors that we don’t know.
- One most important condition of giving feedback is trust. When the receiver knows that the giver is doing so to serve the receiver’s best interest, he is much more receptive. Even if we disapprove certain behavior, unless we accept the person wholeheartedly, the communication channel is not fully open. In other words, unless we can separate the person’s doing from being, the receiver can feel being criticized.
Choose the Receptive Receiver
The reluctance of giving feedback is often a reflection of the receivers’ resistance to receive. The person with persistent self-sabotaging behavioral pattern is possibly someone who hasn’t developed a habit of looking inward to self-observe and self-reflect. Or he is not ready to see himself in the mirror yet. For this reason, the most sincere and thoughtful feedback might not produce its desired impact. Benefit of feedback depending on the attitude of the person who receives it. There are 3 possibilities:
- Receptive – this type of receiver is ready for change. He is willing to listen to the feedback and is grateful for the opportunity. Once hearing the feedback, he will reflect on it, take what’s relevant and then apply. This is the best scenario.
- Nonresponsive – this type of receiver is not ready to receive feedback. But due to good manner, he is polite and says “thank you” for your good intention. However, the feedback goes in from one ear and out from the other. Interestingly, it is not uncommon that the same person is receptive to knowledge by reading self-development books or attending workshops. He accumulates a lot of knowledge and methods, but doesn’t apply what he knows.
- Defensive – this type of receiver not only throws the feedback in the trash instantly, but also is offended and furious. He believes that he is perfect and has nothing to improve on or he holds the ultimate truth. For such a person, giving feedback is a waste of energy and it backlashes. Unfortunately, many corporations invest heavily and hire expensive executive coaches to improve their behaviors to no avail.
Knowing the many possible reactions to feedback is helpful in identifying when it is worth the effort to give feedback to a specific person. Once we decide to move forward with the giving, we could keep the follow 3 principles in mind:
- Let the receiver take charge. Let him know that you are willing to give feedback if he is interested, but don’t directly give it. Let him decide if he wants to receive it, when and how. Especially, don’t hire external coaches yet before making sure the person is ready to change.
- Be sensitive to the pace. If the person is curious, share the theme of the feedback or give out information gradually with specific examples, without overwhelming him. And stop when you sense that the person is defensive.
- Keep the conversation at eye level. Make sure it is a two-way communication with goal of mutual understanding. When it is given as a judgement from the top, it will likely trigger defensiveness. The goal is not to prove who is right or wrong, but to maximize chance of self-reflection and self-correction.
Besides the fact that feedback is a priceless gift, giving and receiving it is a great practice for both givers and receivers. It provides opportunities for self-improvement and increases intimacy, trust, and collaboration in relationships. As long as we remove emotional attachment about the content and the outcome and let the receiver take charge of the process, we will be able to change our collective perception about feedback and enjoy the immense benefit from it. If we can make it a common practice in families, teams and organizations, we will create better selves, better lives and better world together.
